Heath loves team sports: baseball, basketball, football, you name it. The Tuttle family cherishes the support of a large team of family and friends in the good, fun times and in the hard times.
This site is to keep the beloved members of this team informed about the latest with our favorite all-star.
Thursday, November 25 – Thanksgiving
We knew that this Thanksgiving would be a little different. Somehow I find myself sitting in my den for a little while, with only Rosie by my side, sipping tea by the fire. Chris is hanging with Heath at the hospital. Pat and Bob and EB are on the way back to Black Mountain, where they will have dinner with dear family friends and then EB will get see some of her Montreat buddies over the weekend. Wilson had a sleepover at Ama and Grandpa’s with Grandma Betty, Aunt Jo and Uncle Steve–he wanted to be ready to watch the parade this morning (and maybe to get all the adult/dog attention to himself 😉).
I will head out there in a little while for Thanksgiving dinner and then will take a delightfully packed plate of food and a mason jar of wine for Chris to enjoy when we switch off at the hospital. And at about 10:30 p.m. tonight, the nurse will hang what we hope to be Heath’s final chemo infusion. I might shed a few quiet tears under my warmed blanket on the tiny couch-ish thing in room 5211. Yep, a different Thanksgiving indeed.
Most likely earlier in the evening, we’ll go around the table, a tradition, and say what we’re thankful for this year. I have no idea how to choose my answer. As hard as this year has been, I actually feel full of gratitude for so many things. (And weary as hell, too, don’t get me wrong. but today we’ll hit the gratitude part).There is a Harvard study that found that giving thanks can make you happier. From the article:The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word gratia, which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness (depending on the context). In some ways, gratitude encompasses all of these meanings. Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives. In the process, people usually recognize that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. As a result, being grateful also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals — whether to other people, nature, or a higher power.
We feel so much gratitude this year for the incredible care and support that we have received–medical care, of course, but also from all of you.
For your cards and prayers (those beautiful hand prayers from FPC!), and banners and texts and calls and emails, we give thanks.
For delicious meals and snacks and adult beverages, we give thanks.
For doggie training and walking and playdates and helping us catch our blessed puppy, we give thanks.
For our incredible family—and friends and colleagues—who help us keep all those juggling balls from falling, we give thanks.
For the Heath Cave out-fitting, iPad, video games and Xbox and things to keep him busy and comfy, we give thanks.
For incredible surprises that keep coming–visits/treats from sports teams and stars (more on that soon), incredibly generous gift cards, gifts that come anonymously, flowers on the porch, and so many things I can’t begin to list, we give thanks.
For teachers for all 3 of our kids who show so much care, we give thanks.
For world class medical care and staff who go beyond expectations, we give thanks.
For our 3 amazing kiddos and the beautiful and unique ways they approach the world, we give thanks.
For the strength, courage and spirit that Heath has found to fight and endure unimaginable hard things (and for the ways he inspires each of us), we give thanks.
For the ways the Spirit has moved in our lives, through all of this care, we truly give thanks.
We’ve tried to say thanks along the way, but we know that words don’t adequately express the gratitude we feel for all of it, all of you. Today I will say it again–Thank you. If gratitude makes you happier, then we must be pretty darn happy, even in the midst of these tough months.
I share a video that an FPC member shared with me months ago. It spoke to me during the hardness of the pandemic. It speaks to me on this particular “different” Thanksgiving as well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLPP3XmYxXg
Our dear Elonthon crew sent this amazing gift basket.
Friday, November 19 – Hope is a dangerous thing
Do you remember the 1994 movie, “The Shawshank Redemption”? Tim Robbin’s character is a banker convicted of murder, sentenced to life in prison in Shawshank State Penitentiary. It is a story of justice and friendship and struggle in brutal and dehumanizing conditions.
In the scene below Andy Dufresne (Robbins) comes back to lunch with his friends after a stunt he pulled that involved playing music for the whole prison that got him two weeks in solitary confinement, in ‘the hole.” He reflects on the power of music to get at matters of the heart, things the stone walls and prison guards can’t touch – something resembling hope. Then Morgan Freeman’s character looks Andy in the eye and says, “Hope is a dangerous thing.”
Here’s the link to that great scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDGNsbLayJw
It has been a really good week. We came home from the hospital on Monday and instead of going up for a nap, Heath ate lunch and hung out with us downstairs. Playing with the dog, walking around and checking on things. We had the privilege of a few nights in a row where no one had a meeting, so we really could take our time, eat dinner, walk the dog. The dining room table had become a pile of mail and boxes and medical supplies, the detritus of life in the hospital, so she took some time to reclaim the space. We got a little sleep, and had the chance to take a breath.
Tuesday I had a handful of work meetings, which felt nice, normal, even. Advent approaches, after all. Wednesday I took him to the clinic for labs and a magnesium infusion. It seems like we’re going to need to be doing that every other day or so for the duration. We got home by 1 and could eat lunch on the porch. Wednesday and Thursday were stunningly beautiful days, and we could open the windows and sit on the porch and really feel like we had our feet underneath ourselves. Thursday Heath requested an outing (the first real non-hospital outing in some months), to the farm of our friends Donnie and Ashley and Shelley. He wanted to go see the barn kitties he and Wilson have made friends with over the years, but he really wanted to check out the farm equipment. Carrie took the boys and said he had wonderful energy – they hung out for a few hours, WAY longer than we expected. He drove a golf cart around for a bit and said the picture below is from far enough away he’d allow us to post it. 😊 It was so exciting to see how well he felt. Sure, he’s still pretty weak, and we have a ways to go, but it was a glimpse of something special.
But, as Morgan Freeman says, hope is a dangerous thing.
We are starting to feel like we can see something resembling the finish line of this particular season. Yes, once you have had the ‘cancer’ word said in your presence, I don’t think you ever fully stop thinking about it. We still have a pretty significant abdominal surgery ahead of us that we are soon to schedule. Then we’ll have a long runway of building strength, trying to get him back to school, while still managing his ongoing concerns that won’t go away. This isn’t something that will be “over.” But, on Monday we’ll be admitted to 5200 and begin what we pray is round 6 of 6 of this chemotherapy regimen. Then we’ll schedule scans to see where we are. Heath is steady and strong, and his spirits truly have been remarkable. We are starting to hope.
But immediately after the hope enters one’s mind also comes the questions. The doubts. What if the doctors are wrong? What if it’s not all gone? What if we have to start this all over again? Getting the wrong answers to those questions becomes really difficult to think about. So we’re wrestling with this conundrum right now, as we walk the dog and rake the leaves that KEEP falling. We’re sitting here at the clinic right now with another magnesium infusion happening. He did some school work with his extraordinary teacher and friend Rachel, and now we’re finalizing fantasy football decisions, and thinking about where we’ll grab lunch on the way home. What does it mean to try and hope when you’re beginning to think you *might* make it through this part? Or what does it mean when you’re afraid to hope because the alternative is crushing? I suspect all of you reading this have had some experience like that in your life. It’s tricky.
As Thanksgiving week approaches we’ll do our best to be grateful for the privilege of hoping for what might be on the other side of this. Wherever you are, and whatever celebrating looks like for you, I pray you’ll have just a moment to smile and give thanks for the people that surround you – on the good days and on the days when it feels like it is all falling apart. I can promise you that we’ll be giving thanks for you.
Monday, November 15 – Home again
A good news update for you today that Heath is home! He left Duke at lunchtime and is really happy to be back in the Heath Cave.
It has been a busy stretch of days for the Tuttles so they are going to catch their breath, get some sleep, and share more with us when they can.
— Shelley